Winter means hot cocoa, snowmen and turtlenecks. The season also means harder driving conditions. Here’s some tips to insure your safety on the roads anywhere you go.

1. Slam on your brakes. – Wait until the last minute to brake. Slamming on your brakes locks your wheels, locking is good. Locking keeps your money safe. So technically slamming on your brakes saves you money.

2. Don’t use your second gears. – If you ain’t first you’re last. That goes for gears too. Plus it gives your life a little adrenaline rush when you hydroplane. Using your second and third gears would take out all the fun of sliding.

3. Pass the snow plows and sand trucks. – They’re slow, stupid and take up too much room. Who cares if they’re the ones ridding the streets of snow? They’re only doing it to show off their huge trucks, it’s not like they care about our safety.

4. Scrapers and kitty litter are useless. – Scrapers are just a waste of your trunk space. Ice is clear, so you can see through it. DUH! And kitty litter will just stink up your trunk. I’ve never tried to get out of snow with it, but that sounds impossible, so it is.

5. Keep your lights off. – This goes for anytime of the year at night. Light wastes energy, and global warming teaches us we need to conserve energy. Turning on your lights melts the ice caps and kills the penguins and polar bears. SAVE THE POLAR BEARS.

Follow these simple rules for a safe drive to and from the destination of your choice.

Sidney Marks
Entertainment Editor