Don’t leave me hanging

Since the origin of man, people have used the high five to show gratitude. Nobody has ever been taught how to do a high-five; the high five is so natural and human that it is ingrained in our DNA.

You can’t replace the high-five. No human ever died without ever experiencing a high-five. And the fist bump especially, could never replace the high-five. It’s all based on preference; the high-five is just the smart man’s gesture (the Handshake is the rich man’s).

If you don’t consider the high-five as one of man’s greatest achievements, consider this: After the invention of the wheel, Ugg and Grogg high-fived. When William the conqueror finally controlled England, I bet he high-fived a whole slew of warriors. After the invention of the first Model-T, I’m sure Henry Ford high-fived his entire staff on the assembly line. In the future, when Joe Cool invents Teleportation, there will be high-fives.

When two people high-five, the smack of flesh is meant to be heard, it’s a sign of saying “this guy is great and I am too,” so everyone knows. It’s not obnoxious or annoying; it’s part of who we are. If you see or hear a high-five, you know you wish you were on the receiving end.

When greeted with a fist bump, it usually ends in an awkward paper-covers-rock scenario.

What is so fun about a fist bump? I’m pretty sure the Creator meant for one another’s knuckles to fit together like Lego pieces and then quickly realized that it is impossible. If you think about it, the idea of a fist bump is about as ludicrous as the idea of an elbow bump.

The only good the fist bump has done is give workman’s comp to people for their broken knuckles they got from Ted in Accounting who was way too jacked for the new office coffee machine one day.

The fist bump was designed to prevent germs, but guess what Howie Mandel; there are germs on your knuckles too. The only way I would ever fist bump someone is if each of us had one of those giant green Hulk hands to use. Maybe that could jazz it up.

The mysterious fist bump has taken on many personas. I’ve heard the fist bump referred to as a fist thump, dap, pound, fist pound, bro fist, spudding, knucks, box, Bust, pound dogg, props, Bones or respect knuckles.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t make those up. Real people, maybe even adults, use those terms. And yes, I’m just as confused as you are.

A high-five is so culturally diverse and universal there are hundreds of ways of executing a high-five. I repeat, there are hundreds of different ways to execute them, not hundreds of different names to call them. Besides the standard high-five, there is the low five, “too slow” trick, side slap high-five, air five for long range appreciation, and for Diamond Dallas Page, The self high-five. I could go on for pages, but you get the point. Guess how many ways there are at achieving a fist bump? One.

Hey, at least the fist bump isn’t the double finger guns, now that’s ridiculous.

Nick Wilkinson
Sports Editor 

Fist-bump is better than high-five hands down

As a child, high fiving was the hierarchy of success. That one gesture proved that you’ve done right and you did something worth doing. The kids on the playground would surround you joyously, hands raised, so you can try and accurately smack their palms. Kicked a home run during kickball? High-five. Got an A on a spelling test? High-five. You go little you.

Now you’ve grown. A high-five seems more like a joke or a old-fashioned reminiscence. You’ve moved onto bigger and better things, like the fist-bump. It’s more smooth. How many G’s do you see walking around giving high-fives? None.

When you give a high-five you’re more prone to injury (hyperextended fingers, red palms, colliding forearms, etc.). Those hurt. It’s not like a little burn but more like a sting. Even the large smacking noise it makes proves that someone just crippled their hand.

Fist bumps are quieter. If you don’t want to make an obnoxious scene while still acknowledging someone, try a fist bump out for size. It’s hard to mess up a fist bump unless your coordination is measurably off. If you’re naturally an aggressive person, using the fist-bump or the high-five wouldn’t be recommended due to the possibly injuries you may cause. Take it easy there, champ, and settle for a head nod.

The Google definition of a high-five is “a gesture of celebration or greeting in which two people slap each other’s open palm with their arms raised.” That just sounds painful. “A gesture of greeting or affirmation in which two people lightly tap each other’s clenched fist” sounds way nicer.

If you see your friend in the hallways, would you rather run up to them and give them a high-five as you try and casually play it off like that didn’t just happen or would you rather coolly fist-bump them and mosey on off into oblivion with the satisfaction that you completed a successful hello gesture? That’s what I thought.

Have you ever gone in for a high-five and then drastically missed, having to redo the motion multiple times to get it right? People have come up with ways to make sure you almost never miss. Look at your elbows, spread your hands wider apart, etc. It just gets too complicated. The fist-bump is a small range motion that pretty much guarantees great accuracy every time. Now you don’t have to turn a celebratory gesture into a shameful one.

For you germaphobes out there, it’s probably more sanitary. How many times a day do you use your fingers and palms to touch something? You pick up a countless number of things, eat with them, touch your hair, some people even choose to sneeze into them. When do you use your knuckles? Exactly.

During the 2008 election campaign, the President of the United States even used the fist-bump with his wife. That says something. He knows what’s up.

The high-five may have been around for a while. Fortunately, mankind has created an even better way to accommodate your fellow peers. So for you 21st century high schoolers out there, stick with the fist-bump. Say goodbye to red palms and say hello to a more superior hand gesture.

Katie Allen
Reporter